Vietnam Evangelical Covenant Church – “After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD restored his prosperity and doubled all he had before.” (Job 42:10)
Divorce is one of the deepest pains a person can go through. Many divorced Christians carry feelings of failure and shame and wonder whether God can still use them. This article is a heartfelt letter from someone who has been there. Scripture quotations are from the Berean Standard Bible (BSB).
Dear divorced Christian,
It still stings, doesn’t it? It seems everywhere you go, people want you to wear a big red letter “D” around your neck. Every form you fill out asks whether you are divorced or widowed, not just single or married. You are often looked down on in church because of your past. You feel like a complete failure.
It is miserable not to fit in, especially at church. You don’t really fit with the singles, a diverse group spanning several decades. And you don’t fit with the married couples, even though you were once married. You don’t fit with the happy little families who come together to celebrate holidays and special occasions as a “complete” family. Even if you do fit in, there are awkward moments. If you have full custody, you are so busy trying to balance work and childcare along with countless other responsibilities that you have no time to find new friends. You barely have time to think about a social life for yourself. And even if you found friends and activities, there is no money for a babysitter for a night out.
And then there are well-meaning Christians who want you to know you disappointed Jesus by getting divorced. They tell you God hates divorce. They tell you that if you remarry, you will live in perpetual adultery, surely condemned to hell. They tell you that you must wait and pray for reconciliation with your ex-spouse. That is your only option, other than staying single for the rest of your life. You wonder how you will survive. You wonder whether God can forgive you. You may even wonder whether you really sinned. So many questions, and so many different answers.
I understand your questions. I entered marriage with a covenant mindset, planning on “till death do us part.” Divorce was not an option for me.
Until it was.
You see, sometimes hearts become hardened. Sometimes people turn their backs on God’s perfect plan for their lives. Sometimes one spouse makes choices that forever change the covenant relationship. It may be adultery. It may be abandonment. It may be abuse. Sin is always there.
Maybe, like me, you tried everything. You begged God night and day to save your marriage. You went to marriage counseling. You gave everything year after year, only to receive continued infidelity. You sought wise counsel from those who knew you best. You spent hours seeking God’s wisdom before making the final decision.
Maybe you were not yet a Christian when your marriage broke apart. And now that you have given your life to God, people tell you that you must stay single. You can’t seem to make sense of it.
Or maybe you were the one at fault. Maybe you said or did careless things. Maybe selfishness drove your spouse away. Maybe you were so absorbed in your career that you neglected your spouse until they couldn’t bear it any longer. Maybe addiction made life unbearable. You live with constant guilt and shame for having destroyed your family.
I understand. I have lived in hurt and pain, shame and guilt. I was once the “perfect” Christian. And then my life fell apart. My family was crushed under the pain and shame of divorce. We lost our ministry. I had nothing left but Jesus… but Jesus was more than I needed.
It has been a long, hard road, but God has been there to soothe every wound and pain I have been through. He has been exactly what I needed on this journey, exactly when I needed it. He has been my Great One, my peace and my Provider. He has been my Helper and my Friend. He is the One who gave me new life, who raised us from the death of divorce. And here is what I want you to know:
1. God Hates Divorce
Yes, I know you cringe when you hear that! It gets thrown in your face as if divorce were an unforgivable sin. But let’s be honest: yes, God hates divorce… so do you… and so do I.
When I began studying Malachi 2:16 more deeply, I noticed something important about the context. The context is about unfaithful spouses who deeply wound their partners. It is about treating cruelly the spouse we should love and protect above anyone else. God hates the actions that usually lead to divorce as we know it. While we are listing what God hates, let’s look at another passage:
“There are six things that the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to Him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that run swiftly to evil, a false witness who gives false testimony, and one who stirs up discord among brothers.” (Proverbs 6:16–19)
Ouch! I would say that anyone who throws Malachi 2:16 at you needs to stop and look at Proverbs 6. As Christians, we need to remember that there is no one righteous, not even one (Romans 3:10). We need to remember that Jesus died for our pride and our lies just as He died for divorce. And often the sins in Proverbs 6 are what lead to divorce. Since going through my own divorce, I have come to believe that God hates divorce because of the tremendous pain and suffering His children go through. It is not so much about the sin as about His Father’s heart for us.
2. Remarry… or Not?
I’m sure you have heard arguments that you cannot remarry unless you want to live in adultery and risk your eternal soul. Personally, I have real trouble with that.
Let’s start with biblical interpretation. I am not a Greek or Hebrew scholar. There are plenty of people with the knowledge and experience for me to listen to and learn from. Yet none of us fully understands God’s intention when He gave the Holy Spirit to inspire the writers. Many scholars say remarriage is never allowed. Many say remarriage is an option only in cases of adultery. And many others say remarriage is always permitted by God’s grace.
Whatever the view, every interpretation is a human interpretation. Only Scripture itself is divinely inspired. We must be very careful about imposing human interpretations on others, lest we become like the Pharisees. In the end, your decision is between you and God. It should be made in prayer and with counsel from trusted advisors. And it should be made after you (and your future spouse) have had time to heal from past wounds and become as much like Jesus as possible.
Here is a quick thought for you: the genealogy of Jesus in Matthew 1 includes a prostitute (Rahab, who eventually married Salmon), an adulterous couple (David, who married Bathsheba after killing her husband) and a widow (Ruth, who married her kinsman-redeemer, Boaz). I find it fascinating that there are three women who married again in the very lineage of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Shall we call that grace?
3. God Is the Redeemer of All Things
Throughout Scripture we are given many promises that there is always hope! Romans 8:28 says God works all things together for the good of those who love Him. Zechariah 9:12 says God will restore double for our troubles. In John 11, Jesus declares that He is the resurrection and the life; He will bring you out of the death of divorce and breathe new life into you. And 1 Peter 5:10 says suffering will not last forever, but one day God will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you.
When this journey began for me almost six years ago, I wasn’t sure I believed those promises. God had let me down, I thought. I had lived devoted to Him, and the “blessing” I received was an unrepentant, adulterous husband. I was done with Him.
But God was not done with me. He pursued me relentlessly and called me to find my security in Him. He gently reminded me that He had been with me all along and would not leave me now. He reminded me that He had a wonderful plan for me.
I was a broken, rejected mess. But God reminded me that He loves me, that I am His chosen child, His treasured possession. He said I am the apple of His eye (Psalm 17:8). He reminded me that I am His masterpiece, created for good works (Ephesians 2:10). I was called, and I will never be disqualified, because His calling never changes (Romans 11:29).
When I chose to surrender to God, He began working in my heart and life. I saw His provision at every step. He filled me with peace. He gave me a deeper understanding of His love and grace and a more intimate relationship with Him. He took my pain and gave me a ministry. I fully believe with Job that the rest of my life will be more blessed than before (Job 42:10).
And God wants to do the same for you. All you need to do is surrender and ask God to do a great work in you so that He can do a great work through you. Tell Him you did not want this journey, but you will accept it as long as your pain is not wasted.
I promise God will answer.
Your friend in Christ,
Dena, a divorced Christian
A Word to Those Who Are Divorced
If you are divorced, know that God’s grace is still for you. He is the Redeemer who can heal the deepest wounds and lead you forward in obedience. Reach out to your pastor and godly brothers and sisters to walk with you in this season.
For the church, this is a reminder to welcome and care for divorced people with love and truth, not judgment, helping them stand again in the Lord.
You may also like: Bible Verses About Marriage and 16 Bible Verses About Forgiveness.
Prayer
Lord, You heal the brokenhearted. Comfort our divorced brothers and sisters, restore them in Your grace and lead them to walk in Your will. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Article: Hồng Hạnh
Adapted from: Crosswalk.com
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